i’ve begun a journey to a new destination. i made a decision a few weeks ago to lead myself to a place where i will be more satisfied with what i am doing with my life. to that end, i’m taking classes and that’s a new thing for me.
being around a group of people i don’t know very well is something that’s not comfortable for me. i analyse my words and the words others say to me. when they say something that’s good, that lifts me up, i am grateful but i also wonder if i am doing the same for them and i think about how i can do the same for them and then i feel bad if i am not able to do the same for them.
when i say something, i get responses and reactions and then i think about those and go a bit nuts wondering if i’ve offended someone or if my response to them was not what they were expecting. maybe they joked without smiling and, not knowing them well enough, i took them seriously–or the other way around! do you see what i mean?
i start getting into my own head and then it’s tough to get out of there. i could spend an entire evening just focusing on what i said and did during the day and who said what about it, who made which expression, and what all of that might possibly have meant. i can drive myself crazy. i am capable of that.
at times like these, i find that i have to remind myself that everyone has different strengths. no two people are alike. maybe some people are especially observant and one of them isn’t afraid to talk about what she/he notices, thinks, feels and another one is.
maybe we don’t have to continuously judge or criticise ourselves through the eyes of others and through our own eyes too. maybe (and this is most likely true) their reactions or responses have less to do with us and more to do with themselves. also maybe (and this is probably true too) they don’t even remember the little things that we are obsessing over, thinking about what they thought and how they felt and why they said this or that.
what can we do about it? go back and do it differently? obviously not until someone comes forward with a time machine. will the analysis help? who knows? maybe we’ll never figure out their whys (unless it bothers us enough to ask them). maybe we can try to do it differently next time. or maybe what we can do is take responsibility for our words and actions and be our considerate, compassionate, careful selves, and let others be responsible for their reactions. and that’s the tough part.