Reading my journal made me take a step back. I realised I’m teetering dangerously close to falling back into futile patterns. I have been slowly losing sight of what I figured out was important, losing sight of what felt good, of living life in a way that values it most. I’m inching back to doing things “just because.” I want to never do things “just because.” I want to do things because I enjoy them, because I like them, because I want to do them. Isn’t our time too valuable for “just because”?
I have been happily relationship-free for some time now because I thought I was starting to see what I was doing wrong there and I tried to correct it. I looked for meaning in my relationships and those which did not fit in there fell off on their own. If I was bothered by an incident or person, I thought about it rationally, looked for a reason behind those feelings of restlessness, and usually found a contradiction between what I wanted to do and what I was actually doing. Once I deduced where a problem lay I was able to fix it. I felt little regret over losing the unimportant. What mattered remained. Life felt better. I felt happier, lighter and more in control because I was starting to define the philosophy I wanted to live my life by. It required being a little strict with myself but it was worth it: Everything I really, truly wanted, from the bottom of my heart, was tightly tied together and that felt right.
But I’ve slowly been slipping out of that warm cluster of principles and values and I’m lucky to have realised it before getting back there became an uphill climb. I suppose one cannot just define one’s philosophy, decide how one wants to live one’s life, and expect it to become a part of one’s being overnight. One has to work on inculcating it and has to be reminded of it constantly so it cannot be forgotten, until it becomes a way of life. It isn’t easy to do because it requires one to unlearn certain habits, to come unglued off patterns, behaviours, people from the past. But if one knows that to be a source of happiness and peace the journey becomes that much simpler.
Maybe we followed something shiny onto a familiar detour. Maybe we’ll have to retrace our steps back to the road we were on. We may waver, we may lose our way, what becomes important is whether we make the effort to go back and continue the journey, resolving, and doing our best, to not falter again. And if we fall we’ll just pick ourselves up, shake off the dust, and keep walking.