I was going to boycott that television show. I was going to give up on it. I was about to stop watching it entirely because you emailed me to tell me you watched the first leaked episode of the new season and it would remind me of you. I believed you because it always has in the past. I didn’t want to subject myself to that anymore. But I was still letting my DVR record the new episodes. There was something there. Maybe I thought it would be a test of sorts.
There is no right or wrong. Just the consequences of your actions.
It was with a nervous heart that I made the choice to watch it. After all, I thought I was doing a good job at moving on and didn’t want anything to ruin it. And God knows I give in to my feelings too easily. At first, I was careful when paying attention to it. I kept wondering which parts you thought would do the reminding. I saw them. I caught those nuances. I heard those words. I saw those expressions. They had all made me think of you fondly once. Now what I wanted to do was reply to your email saying,
I watched that show and you were right. That character does still remind me of you. But I don’t find his antics charming anymore. In fact, I think they kinda make him an asshole. Interesting, isn’t it? Just thought you’d like to know. Or, as you so eloquently put it, jussayin’.”
I didn’t write that email. I kept watching the episode and slowly it faded away. I didn’t think of you anymore. It didn’t make me miss you. It didn’t make me think “OMG that’s us!” I didn’t feel the desire to even let you know that. In fact, if I actually thought you’d read this, I probably wouldn’t make it public. This is just how I’m getting it out of my system.
You tricked me, you know? You tricked me, I would hear the doorbell ring and I would be running towards it. I’d be thinking, “I don’t even like this guy, this is just some stupid fling.” Then I would open the door and all of those thoughts would disappear, because I’d see your smile and I was a goner. I trusted that smile.
By the way, we did not last “two years with breaks”. It isn’t called “lasting” when a. we’re not in a relationship (except that one-week stint you pulled off two years ago), b. you communicate only through texts and only when you feel like it, c. we don’t even actually see each other for many, many months, and d. a. You could say we’ve known each other a little over two years. With breaks. I’d tell the whole story, I’d really like to because, my goodness, it’s a damn good one, but I’d end up looking like the foolish one.
I was being silly; we’re allowed those moments; I recovered from it. It isn’t the show I’m going to boycott. It’s you.
You know, it’s all well and good to talk about happy endings. But if a person can’t deliver, if he keeps screwing up, well, eventually, I guess you kind of just have to say “fuck you” or words to that effect.