But

I won’t speak angry words, I think to myself. I will stop myself in time because I know once they’ve been said, they’re out there and then I cannot take them back. So I will hesitate and take a moment to think because I know once they’ve been said, the damage has been done and maybe I can try to repair it, but signs of it may still show. I know that and so maybe I resolved long, long ago to not speak hastily in anger. If I don’t, there won’t be anything to take back and there will be no regret over that which has remained unsaid. No hurt will have been inflicted and my relationship with the listener will remain untouched by those unspoken words.

I won’t make thoughtless decisions, I probably decided subconsciously. I don’t want to be indecisive. I don’t want to be the one going back on her word, breaking promises, canceling plans. It isn’t right…for me. I will not let myself be that person.

I will be nice. I will do the right thing. I will be good to people. I will be kind. I may falter and I will apologise when I do. Sincerely. I will not say hurtful things which needn’t be said. I will be calm. I will be collected. I will be there for you whenever you need me.

But when you speak carelessly in anger, I will tell myself that you don’t mean those words. When you lash out in your rage, I will remind myself that you just aren’t thinking before speaking. When you inflict hurt, I will make myself know that actually you don’t intend to. I will remain calm and I will remain collected and let our relationship remain unaffected because I think you’ll learn eventually how not to be hurtful.

And when you go back on your word, I will just think you’ve changed your mind. When you break a promise, I will accept it because, oh well, you’re only human and these things happen. And every time you make a new, contradictory decision, I will just think that maybe you’re evolving. When you make transparently insincere apologies, I will simply try to draw sincerity from it while hoping it will come from within you someday.

You don’t have to be nice or good because whatever you are, that’s you and I will accept you with all those flaws. You can be unkind to me and I will let you get away with it because maybe you will change someday and in the meantime I will try really hard to be nice so you will still like me when that day comes. You needn’t be there for me at all because, well, that way I will learn to take care of myself so you will never have to see the weak me because that would destroy the illusion and that would be completely unacceptable to you.

Yes, I have different standards for you and for me. I allow you deeds I don’t allow myself. I’m a hypocrite. If I wasn’t, our relationship would be very, very different. But maybe it’s time to subject you to the same because, given the unrest and discomfort within me, being a hypocrite hasn’t worked as well so far as I may have hoped. Also, maybe you just don’t deserve nice.

9 thoughts on “But

    1. My apologies: I misunderstood your previous comment. Double negatives, when read in a hurry, can confuse the mind. It really isn’t for any particular person. If it were, I would gladly say so. It is a general commentary on how standards we apply to ourselves so strictly aren’t upheld when accepting other people’s behaviours too easily.

  1. Double negatives are actually meant to confuse the brain and do actually do so.

    I would agree with you and would also like to point out that in some cases, the reverse is also true.

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