So it has been a week since I last wrote. An eventful one. A few people from out of town visited and when they left one by one, it was almost as if they left all at once, leaving voids all around. It’s like the dust has settled and what remains is what matters. Or vice versa. I learned a few things and asked a few questions.
Memories were created. So often memories are built on emotions. They are built on how we felt in that moment which created the memory. That is why, I believe, some memories are so strong. That is why some memories linger. That is why each memory can still evoke that same emotion we’d felt. It is the letting go of the emotions which is difficult and that may well be the reason why a person we haven’t talked to in ages still holds a soft spot in the recesses of our hearts. He or she made us feel good–and that’s what we can’t let go of. The emotions related to a person we don’t want in our lives any longer must be destroyed to truly rid ourselves of the person. Those feelings must be forgotten. Someone asked me what I liked about a certain guy I’d dated. I could think of nothing to say except: He made me feel good. He made me happy, yes. But he made me happy once upon a time. And even that can be tough to let go of.
When is the end really The End? When is it really and truly over? When do we really give up hope? When do we really stop trying? What does it take? What will it take? What must happen to jolt us to reality? What will make us stop making excuses and exceptions?
Sometimes what we think are exceptions are just excuses made for ourselves. When we know we’re making excuses we’re making those for another person’s behaviour. But when we tell ourselves that we’re making an exception, we’re really just making excuses for our own behaviours. We must make these excuses for ourselves because the other person isn’t making any and isn’t even leaving us room to make any excuses for them. So we start making exceptions. It’s our only option. After all, we so desperately want to get along.
Sometimes we think we know exactly what we’re doing. We think we’re consciously making our own decisions when really we’re aligning our thoughts to reflect those of another person. We aren’t really in control. We think we are, but actually the other person is. The other person has made their decision and we are just going along with it. We are changing the way we think so it matches that decision, so it seems like a mutual decision when, really, it’s anything but. It’s an exception we’ve made. Realising this will only make us more unlikely to change our rules for another person again. One can only hope it will make us stop making exceptions too.
Maybe we learn without even realising it. Tread cautiously, I’d told myself. Subconsciously. I didn’t even know it. But, I suppose now, we do learn. We learn to identify patterns and no matter what appears to be different this time we are prepared for the inevitable. Any deviation from the pattern is simply an anomaly. We want to believe that the anomaly is a change of path, but deep within us we know that it isn’t.
It was on purpose that I would leave a door open for a person’s return and I would leave some means of communication possible, in case they ever wanted to find their way back. But this time, all avenues are closed. When they want to look for a way in, they will find none. This is when it’s truly over. This time it isn’t anyone else’s decision.
I watched that episode of that show. The one which always touches me. That letter, read out over the last few scenes, could always get to me. It always made me think of what could be when I’d hear it. But now, it didn’t mean anything, it didn’t make me think of anything. It was painless. Now I’m immune. It is when I stop being touched by little things like that that I know I’m over it and I don’t want it back and I never will.
There’s a moment when the clouds part and the sun shines down on the treasure. That’s what it feels like in the moment where the loving stops and the indifference begins. The emotions we were struggling to keep alive are destroyed by a final act and the memories will now fade. This is closure. This is The End. Fin.