Deliverance

I was looking for a song on my phone, browsing the files on it and I came across a Microsoft Word document titled ‘Deliverance’. I was faintly surprised because I didn’t know exactly what it was, so I read it. Then I remembered that I had written it a few nights ago. I was exhausted but unable to sleep because something was troubling me and I had to write about it to get it out of my system before my mind could be at peace. So I’d picked up my phone and written this, although it wasn’t very comfortable to type on my beloved Nokia E7 with little mental stamina remaining. The piece is clearly splotchy and not well-finished, but I thought it interesting that I should write this and then totally forget about it.

Yea yea yea, we’ve all heard it, how you can never be friends with an ex blah blah blah. Some people manage exceptionally well though (the feelings of both parties have probably faded is my guess) while there are some who can’t be friends with someone they like if they know the feeling isn’t reciprocated. Well, you know the thing about your ex? He or she is an ex for a reason, usually a very good one. So then why would you keep going back to that? Learn your lesson and move on.

Why are some people so damn eager to forget the past? Is it because they don’t want to remember their mistakes? But if you don’t remember them how can you better yourself? How can you make sure you won’t make that same mistake again? How is it possible to find a solution to a problem you don’t even remember? We all make mistakes, no doubt about that. Even letting an abusive relationship continue is a mistake and you have to remember the mistake you made by ignoring the signs. You have to remember the incidents you brushed off so casually, the thoughts that things would change if you tried long enough and hard enough. You have to remember that this was how you let that continue so that you won’t do it again.

I have an ex I can’t help but go back to…to talk. It’s comfortable, we can relate to each other on many topics because we’ve been through it all together. I know exactly the kind of advice he needs and he gets why something that may seem completely inane frustrates me. I still care for him very deeply, but I remember why we broke up. We couldn’t make it as a couple and the reasons are best not forgotten because they still exist and must be remembered so that it doesn’t happen again.

Then I have an ex the very thought of whom irks me. It was a relationship that only served to prove that appearances can be extremely deceptive. It has made me re-evaluate how I meet people and how close I’ll let them get. I’m very glad to have learned this lesson, but every time I think of him or happen to be reminded of him, I’m filled with annoyance at the fact that people like him even exist and worse, they manage to fool everyone around them so that you’re doubted and then left questioning your own sanity, perceptions and beliefs.

Deliver us from these people is my prayer.

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