Haunted

I got over It. I got over It a while ago. I decided to live my life the way I want to and stop worrying about It. I made it so that my days are busy and my weekends planned in advance. Even if I don’t want to do anything over a weekend, it is mine, for me, to do the things I want to do, and not give in to It. I was doing a damn good job of this too and it seemed like It was finally fading away. Then one day, when I least expected it, It started to reappear, with a nice word spoken here, a hidden compliment dropped there. And that night the dreams began.

They’re dreams in which I see places I have tried to forget and people I try not to remember. I have tried so hard to get rid of those thoughts that it’s torturous when they manifest themselves through my dreams. It’s frustrating when I wake up and remember whom I saw in the dream because then I can’t forget anymore. Then It’s right there in my head, and there’s no getting away from It. There’s a closeness in the dreams which was always missing in real life. There’s more affection in it, completely unlike real life. I’ve tried to forget how much I used to want it but these goddamned dreams remind me. But I don’t want it anymore. Try asking me! I won’t want It!

I don’t understand! Why does this happen? Why can’t these thoughts just lay dormant? Why must they resurface and agitate the mind? I got over It, alright? Why can’t this stop?  So there is some kindness shown me…so what?! It doesn’t mean anything! I’ve finally learned my lesson, haven’t I?! I don’t care anymore! Doesn’t my regressing self get that? The dreams and their aftermath are so exhausting. I don’t understand. Are there still remnants of those non-existent feelings in the subconscious mind? Or is it the dark, forgotten corners of the heart we should be talking about?

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