Close to the Chest

It was learned the hard way that everyone has weapons and anyone who gets too close can wound. You start to shut them out at the first sign of danger. You don’t want to feel that pain ever again and you’ll do everything you can to avoid it. You don’t let anyone in. You can’t! What if they make you feel again? You can’t bear to go through that vicious cycle anymore. You don’t want that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach that everything you ever wanted is lost. So you will do your best to stay detached.

You weren’t always like this, were you? You were someone who couldn’t convince oneself that an end is for the best, always wanting to somehow get things back to normal. Normal, of course, being that dysfunctional state which had become your comfort zone. But now you look at the cards on the table, at the hand you’ve been dealt and make your move to fold. If you put more money on the table, you’ll do it cautiously, never going all in, waiting for that losing hand. The first time you lose, you’ll get out of the game. But it’s only because you want to be able to sleep peacefully at night. It’s because you want to be able to wake up the next morning knowing that everything will be alright.

You’re seeing constant improvement. You know this because you remember the nights before you began learning the lessons, the nights when you went to bed only because you had to. Your body was tired and your eyes were heavy but you were terrified of falling asleep because of the nightmares. Your scheming mind took the hurt you felt so deeply when you were awake and used it to torture you while you slept. How do you escape your own mind?

That’s when you trained your mind. It was the only way to get the nightmares to stop. You managed to convince it to spin complex dreams of those, so that you could choose whether to analyse them and they couldn’t hit you as hard. Oh, lucky you! But you didn’t know what to do about the morning. The moment your eyes opened you were forced to deal with reality. How do you escape the truth?

You started to live in a constant state of emotional detachment. You shut them out before they can touch you.You can’t absorb any harsh words, any insensitivity and callousness anymore. You used to be someone who could. This is a new you. You think you don’t know what you want, but you know what you don’t want and you’ll shut the door on it in a heartbeat. That’s a start.

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