It’s Not Me. It’s You.

Remember that moment in Sex and the City when Carrie sees Big with Natasha and finds out that he’s engaged to her? She throws up consequently. Mr. Big had never been able to commit to her, never giving her that importance. I had a similar moment of my own.

Now, the guy in question does not have the looks, the personality or the charisma of Mr. Big. He doesn’t have that charm and, in fact, I haven’t been able to figure out what his appeal is. I don’t miss him and rarely, if ever, think of him but it still bothered me when I heard that he has a girlfriend now. It got to me a little because we’d been “dating” for 4 months, but he refused to call it a relationship or me his girlfriend. He always referred to it as “hanging out”. Self-doubt  is quick to nag. Why didn’t he ever acknowledge me as his girlfriend? Was I not good enough? Was my hair too curly, my eyes too big? What was so unlikable about me?

Then one night he texted me saying he was visiting the town I went to university in, asking me if I could recommend any joints that he’d find cool and where he could meet hot girls. I was a little disturbed for a small moment. I was tempted to remind him that he has a girlfriend, but I thought, What the hell, it’s his life, and suggested some places instead. I mean, I’m not the voice of his conscience, right?

I’m not even into him anymore but that made me feel a little relieved: If he has a girlfriend and is still gallivanting like this then maybe…just maybe it wasn’t that something was wrong with me. He can’t commit to anyone else either. It really wasn’t me. It was him.


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